Australian conditions n. adj
Parallel cricket dimension where nothing is quite the same: alien-strength sunshine, pitches made from concrete, flies the size of crows and humidity equivalent to living at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. No Englishman has ever mastered Australian conditions. To do so would be against nature.
Baggy green n
Tearfully revered badge of the Australian Test cricketer. Emblem of sporting nationalism. Piece of Ashes iconography. Also, slightly frumpy flat cap with amusing nobble on top.
Ball of the century n
Legendary Ashley Giles delivery to Damien Martyn during 2005 series that turned from leg to hit off, signalling start of period (18 months) of English dominance. Apparently there was a similar one in the last century too.
Barmy Army n
Supporters movement formed by backpacking England fans during 1994-95 series in Australia. Since co-opted into commercial juggernaut that provides a front for paunchy sunburnt drunken men with urge to conga everywhere.
Bodyline n. adj
Intimidatory leg-side fast bowling tactics employed by Douglas Jardine's England during 192-33 Ashes tour which, if Aussies were whingeing types, might have caused a great deal of whingeing in the intervening years.
Boot camp n
Aussie innovation involving pre series character-building tasks such as abseiling, bog-snorkelling and anything that involves being shouted at by a middle-aged man with a whistle. Comes complete with unprecedented opportunity to look extremely silly three months later.
Boxing Day Test n
Famous occasion in Australian calendar as hordes of slightly frazzled men escape their families in order to take up sacred festive duty of lolling around watching cricket for eight hours drinking fizzy lager.
Can't bat, can't bowl, can't field
Label attached to Mike Gatting's touring party of 1986-87. Gatting's team went on to win the Ashes because fortunately Australia also couldn't bat, field or bowl, as well as being unable to win the toss, warm up properly or tie their laces without getting muddled up.
"The Colossus" n
Fashionable Ashes wicket celebration pose, involving spreading arms and legs to demonstrate supreme 100% physical prowess. First employed by Andrew Flintoff. Then by Brett Lee. Both of whom have since retired from Tests due to injury.
Comfort break n
Brief retreat to pavilion employed with great frequency by England bowlers during 2005 series. One such rest stop coincided with Durham whippet sub fielder Gary Pratt decisively running out Ricky Ponting at Edgbaston. He seemed upset.
David Hasselhoff n
Swaggering, small-screen legend who, according to Shane Warne, Graeme Swann is going to be "walking around like" during the current series. Apparently a compliment.
"Doing a Harmy" vb
Moment of disastrous nervous implosion while delivering opening Ashes blow on That first morning in Brisbane (see below). A career-defining moment for any cricketer. Compensations include YouTube superstardom and lifelong tenure of boozy corporate speaking circuit.
Fanatics n
Laughably contrived Aussie imitation of the Barmy Army, complete with unfortunate, politically sensitive moniker.
5-0 whitewash n
Standard Glenn McGrath pre-series result prediction. Always an amusing diversion. Right up until the moment it actually happened.
Fremantle Doctor n
Fabled Perth-based wind possessing unusual qualities of swing-assistance. While the Doctor is blowing Australians are advised not to fly or drive due to risk of "doing a lot" or "getting off the straight" in favourable conditions.
Hill, The n
Notorious Sydney fans' section known for badinage with opposition, bottle-lobbing, V-signs, harmless banter etc. Previously a grassed liquid-picnic-spot-cum-urinal. Now the cheap seats.
Kookaburra n
Australian version of a cricket ball. Much-discussed due to enigmatic properties, difficulty in bowling with and specialist technical skills required. All of which essentially derive from the fact that it falls to bits after half an hour.
Lucky red hankie, Steve Waugh's n
Aussie cricket holy relic, famously kept poking out of former captain's trouser pocket throughout seven winning series. Employed for magical properties, intimidatory value and mopping tears of joy on accidentally catching glimpse of own baggy green while batting.
MBE n. abbrev
Part of Warne's infamous sledge of Paul Collingwood in 2006-07. Warne asked Collingwood, who played only one Test in 2005, if his resultant gong stood for Must Be Embarrassing. After Cardiff 2009, Collingwood could reply that it stands for Manages to Block Everything.
Reverse swing n
English method of cheating involving making the old ball swing by impregnating it with sugary saliva, voodoo or as-yet-unidentified unfair dinkum substance. So strong is the Aussie sense of outrage on this topic their bowlers have flatly refused to master the skill themselves.
Sherminator, The n
Ian Bell. Until he finally scores a match shaping 150 in Australian conditions (see previous).
Spirit of cricket n
Famous Australian-led principles of fair play. Makes up part of the world's tiniest box set when bundled together with Australian Rules Of Etiquette and The Australian Guide To Not Talking Too Loudly In Public Places.
Targeting n
Australian tradition whereby leading bowler "outs" English batsman he intends to install as personal whipping boy (usually captain, star man, or chief posho). Warning: only appears to work properly when employed by men with names like "Glenn McGrath" or "Shane Warne".
That first morning in Brisbane n
Famed moment of truth as Ashes series commences. Go hard, come to the party and step up to the plate. Alternatively, simply relax and Do a Harmy.
"Under the Southern Cross I Stand" n
Aussie dressing room victory song. May or may not still be in use. Hard to be completely sure these days.
Urn, The n
Small plastic tourist replica traditionally waved around vaguely by victors at end of Ashes series. Still perhaps the least photogenic major sporting trophy yet devised.
This article was taking in full from our friends at Guardian Sport.
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